“Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.”

Oscar Wilde 28th February 1885

After much deliberation and looking objectively at my career path, the only thing that would truly present opportunities in plenty is to return to full time education. Hindsight would suggest this should have been something I undertook before now, but honestly I think I would have once again succumbed to the pressure, having little to no close encouragement.

So.. here I am now awaiting loans to be processed, student union representation and banks to be welcoming; a world away from house hunting and questionable rent levels in a town that thinks it’s a city.

I owe this stride, this total diversion of my life to my partner. Were it not for him, I may well have been carrying on doing the same old thing until I’m old, grey, and filled with regret. It is to him I already owe a great deal for bringing me back into a decent track in life. Speaking of whom, 3 months have passed since we kicked things off. 3 decidedly lightning months, the 4th sees no end to the momentum. It would seem odd to say that I hope things actually slow down a little, just to manage the time and to enjoy each others company. The topic of particular interest and certain curiosity is my partner and I sharing the same degree and the same University. I’m not really sure how to answer that, there’s room to go our separate ways should things not turn out the way we hoped, and theres, a great deal of opportunity to relieve each other financially – living for 2 as the saying goes.

Ambition. Ambition seems to be the biggest storm brewing in my mind now. The ability to obtain, exceed and experience all of those things I’ve wanted to do for so long, take up a musical instrument again, get into active debates and follow those examples left behind by Hitchens, Sagan and so on. Hell – the gym could use a going over on a regular basis so long as my knees keep up.

So here we are on the raggedy edge, as a space ship captain once put it. The pieces are being placed into position, the players are waiting in the wings, the introduction has finished and the crowd are excited. The game is about to begin.

Today I came in to upgrade the server framework. I brought along my partner for 2 reasons – firstly, given he had travelled to see me for the weekend, I couldn’t exactly leave him on his own and secondly, he was genuinely interested in what I had to do to the servers. He had no way to infiltrate the security of the company’s IT equipment, no authentication, no idea of possible addresses or codes. As luck would have it of course, the boss paid a visit on his way back from a Remembrance Day service. Seeing my partner sat next to me in my office immediately triggered off a whole series of questions from the boss regarding the security of the IT systems, followed by a lengthy explanation of how he had founded the company.. a story that is used as a blow-out card if you will; if all else fails, say why I’m the boss.

This is ultimately why the company I work for hits so many walls and only just manages to get itself out of story weather. People who are out of touch with current day concepts of security, who are adamant that it is only their opinion that is the right one without a hope of reasoning. How can they possibly believe that telling the same old story will help people realise their goals or potentials?

I really need to get out of this company. This passed year has made me increasingly aware of just how backwards minded and wilfully ignorant some people can be. It has driven me to the point of distraction and removed all but fragments of determination to complete day-to-day tasks. Thus far the recruitment drive hasn’t been sympathetic and agencies have turned blind eyes to my references and substantial experience. Ultimately I am so relieved to have my partner there to talk to now, but I cannot help but feel that in the coming months I will be heavily reliant on his empathy and emotional strength. I only hope he is as understanding as he appears.

Hey how are you doing? I’m still at my social. I’m quite drunk though as I’m a bit of a lightweight  lol but yeah, can’t wait till Friday and I f*cking love you man. I’ve not been this happy before and you bring me that happiness and for that I’ll be eternally grateful. xxxx

So he was enjoying his evening, but that text message certainly plucked the heart strings. Last weekend went, thankfully, without a hitch. We were both lying on his bed in the student halls when the time felt right to get some home truths across; about what had happened this last year, why I was so solemn for the first couple of weekends we spent together.

After what seemed like reading war and peace, he smiles, eyes wide, looking like he was about to cry. ” What’s in the past, is all but gone. I still love you for you are, and you know you can always talk to me.” With that, I knew I’d found the foundations to start something wonderful and a means to heal my wounds from mistakes I’d made. Here’s to hoping.

After a month’s worth of weekends down to his University, it’s 2 weekends at my place which I’m hoping will give us more time to really bond over the usual shopping/café/bustling city life . If I had 1 concern, it would be a call to impress, if there is any need to do so. Only so much you can do with a looming Winter, a tight budget and 10’000 acres of woodland cows and sheep.

It’s a sacrifice we would both be taking ultimately; family, friends, commonly known links and whereabouts of general life will be all but gone. Should I ultimately sacrifice this idea if he’s not interested? These are very early days of course, short of scaring him away there’s no need to discuss moving plans when we’re still going over family backgrounds and personality traits.

The week ahead looks promising for us both, Friday to Sunday and the hope of talking through some by-gone matters that need addressing, if only to reassure myself for trust and counsel in some that I hope to become extricably linked with.

Rather earlier than expected we’re onto meeting parents. This would be one thing I’ve not done for a long while and certainly not in a situation as this – a gay relationship and meeting for dinner at a restaurant of demi-god’s choosing. There’s certainly an eagerness to see this through, generally because of very inquisitive minds. My impression of the evening at the moment is, to be polite, friendly and get it over and done with; above all make a good impression.

“Don’t mention the war Basil.”

Furthermore, I’ve gone back to feelings I’ve not felt in years for someone. Not 2 nights ago, I was dosing off at my office desk. A couple of fingers were pressed against my lips from the hand I was leaning into. For all of a moment I thought I was kissing him. Again when I was lying in bed trying to get to sleep the same night, I was hugging a spare pillow and sure enough after dosing off, I’m hugging him. I can’t get enough of this guy but above all, I don’t want want to push too hard, too fast.

This as certainly the case yesterday, taking time away from more important things to try to really help out a friend who I considered to be in desperate need of advice and support. He’s at university for the next 3 years, student loan covering the accommodation and fees. Aside from that, the condition was grave; having maxed out his overdraft, needing a plan to survive the next few months and reduce his expenses. I knew this guy was a bit of a dream-boat long before this, but it shocked me just how badly he managed his money.

I started out by asking him for his monthly expenses; list from, generous figures. He could only give me 2 – his mobile contract and laptop insurance. I pressed with other immediately to mind examples such as food, toiletries, internet access. By the second suggestion he comically stated he was finding this all way too complicated. After completing a rough itinerary of his monthly outgoing I flagged up 3 of particular concern and went on a brief internet run-around to find cheaper solutions. Upon suggesting these to him I was met with desperation and ignorance of the greater priority. His phone contract being the best example simply had to remain at £35 per month. He was adamant that gossip was more important than reducing his overdraft and therefore removing the overdraft fee.

This 1-sided, sieve like conversation continued to where I tried to summarise what the situation was and where he needed to make improvements. At this point his housemates returned and I was given a wound inducing farewell if the last 3 hours were meaningless.

There are only a few truly enraging experiences in life that can have you twitching eye lids and on the verge of finding the nearest blunt object to sink into and swing through the object or person that caused it. This was no exception. To try to help someone before they totally run out of money and cannot survive at university and have them dump the conversation before the most important area was discussed was both rude and insulting. I’ve never met someone quite like this before – where their life is totally built around social prowess and interaction. Where above basic amenities such as food and some kind of healthy bank balance, parties and going out take priority. Kenneth Koch has the most thought-provoking verse in this case:

You want a social life, with friends.
A passionate love life and as well
To work hard every day. What’s true
Is of these three you may have two
And two can pay you dividends
But never may have three.