The IT demi-god, after a year and 3 months of what I considered a steady and committed relationship, left me due to a lack of common interests and incompatibility in personalities. On the 27th December, the 21st Century classic method of text message dumping was launched into action broadside; his requirement of non-confrontation prevailing. The separation, which I’ve not retaliated against and besides a request of reconciliation, have not begged to be taken back, has presented me with striking thoughts; in reflection and of opportunity.
In the first instance I pity him. Many a time in the past year, our conversations have been one sided on my part, focussing on his lesser-developed personality traits – unwilling to have an outgoing social life, an unwillingness for the spontaneous, a lack of an open, out-going mind. While these are traits that I too, was not familiar with, or express to others until my late-teens, I was rather naive by comparison to my now former-partner. Why would someone chose this path in the world we now live in? Where one can quite easily pick up on any given popular entertainment, subject or sport almost instantaneously, on demand, and virtually free of charge? My only conclusion is, that someone would intentionally not be willing. What are we without our sense of curiosity into the unknown? The problem stifles me. For someone seemingly intelligent to feel the need to constrain themselves from a more enlightening existence… why?
Beyond the financial collateral damage, social divide and seemingly odd position the demi-god has placed me in, there is a chance to drive my life forward at an even greater rate. This last sentence begs the question – am I upset by this break-up? No. How ever I try to look at this, I am only angered by his willingness to plant heels into the ground in cowardice. I see this as a chance to propel forward without burden or cost. The demi-god was an immense help to me in bringing me out of a ditch in my life I thought almost impossible to climb out of in 2011, but with any spirited being, you can’t keep them locked down or caged. Every injured bird nursed back to health wants to fly again, soaring through the sky. I truly feel like the cage has been opened.
Ambition. Once the dust has settled from financial obligation and agreements are in place with what left over legal requirements there are, I am preparing myself for ambition that dwarves the past 4 months. I will press harder and faster in my fitness. I will do what I wish with my hair, my body, my clothes and my tastes without fear of rocking the boat. I will achieve what I can muster as greatness. Not only this, but I seek to redeem a long lost hope – the guy I felt a dire need to apologise to, where events ruptured our lives.
While not immediate, I intend to follow up on forgotten paths this summer. Repair what was lost. At this stage I feel I have nothing to lose. Why should I have these memories bearing down on me from my past, when instead I should confront them and follow them onto their proper ending? As much theorising as friends are willing to put forward, as many reassuring and foresighted opinions they give, there is only 1 person with the answers and the truth.
This new year, this turning of tides, this resetting of the stop watch will show me what it is to be the person I have never thought possible to become, with the intent to share it with another. True love, is a scar I bare. Of a someone I believed forever lost.
However much I poured my heart into another,
he was only there because the true love was not.
— MMXIII —