On a train (although as I’ve just found out, the wrong one) for the first time in a long while, back to a place of rest for the week.
There’s only so much stress person can endure, a number of phases through which you go before you become desensitised and just want out. For me, there’s a scale from hard work, to deep concentration, isolation, defensive, offensive, then desensitisation. I think I’ve covered the whole scale these past 3 months.
There is so much to be done. Still no places to stay sorted for next year and still no idea how on earth Summer is going to plan out yo-yoing to and from one city to another. They’ve got another thing coming if they think I’m doing 6 hours commuting. Short term accommodation must be found, and soon.
I’m at a crossroads albeit incredibly small, with what to do about dating at the moment. There’s no denying that I’ve kept my eyes open for an interest; the ever hopeful outlook for the “Smart, nice, fair looks, long term.” template. Sadly if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that University relationships have a 99% failure rate with my peer group and those following. I’ve seen half a dozen both directly involved and witnessed from afar, fall apart because of trust issues, distances being too great down to simply drinking too much or missing a week to visit. Can I hold on, burning through friend’s patience and sometimes limited understandings of my feelings and how I yearn for a connection?
Unconditional love – that most hopeful of goals. It hurts knowing that in the most fleeting of moments, I knew what that felt like. There was a connection required for that to happen. I can only describe it as mutual joy. Knowing whatever happens to either of us, the problems we faced, good times and bad, we would continue unabated.
Belief, like fear, love, is a force to be understood as we understand the theory of relativity and the principles of uncertainty – a phenomenon that determines the course of our lives. Yesterday, my life was headed in one direction. Today, it is headed in another. Yesterday, I believed I would never have done what I did today. These forces that often remake time and space, that can shape and alter who we imagine ourselves to be, begin long before we are born and continue after we perish. Our lives and our choices, like quantum trajectories, are understood moment to moment. At each point of intersection, each encounter, suggests a new potential direction. Proposition, I have fallen in love with Luisa Rey. Is this possible? I just met her and yet, I feel like something important has happened to me. – Cloud Atlas