A roller coaster made of dreams.
Since my last post, Freshers season at University has come and gone and with it a whole new meaning to the words “free” and “time”, commodities which for now at least are more appealing to me than all the gold in Kentucky. Now I share with you dear reader, the story of these past few weeks and how I am facing something of a dilemma.
The university radio management has been the “Atlas holding up the world” situation for me. While I love it dearly, and devote my time to it almost at the expense of everything else, it has also become most tiring. The new recruits are currently completing their training, shows are on their way to being finalised and live events are in the tubes. Just today, dawn till dusk has been spent at the Student Radio Association training day just across the country from the quaint seaside city I call home. With this passion and drive comes a bitter pill I am so far refusing to swallow – compromise. Above the management of the radio there’s a oversight from another group, who so far have given me flip-flops on decision making and feedback on ideas that just doesn’t look beyond the end of their collective noses. Long term planning is the key to the survival of the radio station, yet they are insistent on bleeding us out and halting funding. The battle goes on and I want answers that fit what they originally promised – not this 2 faced approach.
Last week I landed a surprise that is still leaving me wondering exactly what happened and where it will lead. I happened upon a first-year student taking the same course as me, a very well mannered, positive guy who was also interested in joining the radio. The blonde ‘n’ blue became something of a fleeting interest in my mind when I asked him out of the blue if he’d like to go drinking sometime. He actually took it up enthusiastically. Could he also bat for the other side? My suspicion lead to a positive hit when at a small drinking gathering with radio folk the subject came up and I pushed the be all and end all question of, “So go on then, are you that way inclined?” The answer was indeed yes, albeit incredibly shy and laughed through. My mind went in to overdrive as to how to handle this quickly and professionally. So after the drinks, we both left at the same time, and given we had little to eat that night, I asked him over for dinner at my place – an offer I’m glad to say he accepted. So came the texts and meeting each day in passing between lectures, until the Friday evening of clubs and pubs.
The plan was set to do a street of clubs from 1 side to the other, and we started out in good stead at roughly half-9 in the evening. What followed was 5 hours of conversation, queue dodging and some fantastic banter. We ended up in each other’s arm, whispering sweet nothings and pecking cheeks. Everything was perfect, with the icing on the cake, that he wanted to come back to mine. I was already so happy with how the night had gone, my heart took hold and all worry was erased from my mind. So we walked the mile or so back up the hill to the north of the city, slightly sharper from the refreshing walk and arrived at my apartment. After acclimatising to the much warmer interior I fired up my computer and got a play list of house music going for a little atmosphere. The blonde ‘n’ blue was quiet, but had a little more courage from the alcoholic marathon we completed earlier. He seemed unsure about what to do next and I reassured him all was well. What was I to do? This was the first time a weekend stand had actually worked for me, let alone getting past the point of exchanging phone numbers, then finding said acquaintance unwilling to reply back to anything. Something was different about this however, something completely new and all but forgotten for me. This was his first time. What followed was engaging brain into something I’ve never had to do before – love making guidance… but to call it that makes it sound like an electrical engineer’s love story.
I showed him how to kiss, how to hold, how to lie, we took it in turns so it wasn’t just me doing all the work as if some sort of instructor. I showed him as much as I could without venturing into areas I would consider upper league and it was beautiful. The new found lover had a natural appeal to love making and he really enjoyed it. He shed all nervous disposition. Passion drove every movement. He was beautiful in every way and I could not have asked for more. By the time dawn cracked above at 5 o’clock, we were lying in embraced arms, just staring into each other’s eyes. I had radio training for new members in the morning but I could not care in the slightest. I felt the purest sense of happiness and love, something I haven’t felt in a long time. After all but 3 hours sleep we stirred, with that cliché question of “Hey.. *strokes arm*.. are you awake?”. So began an early morning of sunlight warming passionate kissing. Again my strong mind was informing me that indeed, there were but 2 hours until I should be awake and in the radio studio. I still could not care; this was where I was staying, for as long as I could and as long as he wanted me to.
Alas the bell struck and my phone insisted it had seen enough of this new creature in my life – demanding I give it attention it had not seen the previous night. I made my apologies and gave my companion a host’s introduction to the shower and handed him a clean towel and new toothbrush. I watched this tall, slim, long dirty-blonde apparition gracefully walk into my shower room at the end of the flat and for the first time I noticed myself looking over every move until the door closed. Was my mouth gaping the whole time? My eyes did not leave his figure that’s for sure. Breakfast recollected people we had passed the night before and I had offered up a full menu of choices for him, in case one’s own preferred start to the day (muesli) did not satisfy. Toast it was, and a hearty drink of orange juice to fight away the hangover we were both suffering from. We made our way back to campus and with a hug and a kiss on his cheek, I bid my lover fare well as he made it back to his halls.
It wasn’t until the next day I saw him again, I asked blonde ‘n’ blue up to a live sports event the radio was handling, where we were short on man power. He was happy to help with technical production work so I could carry on commentating. During a break I asked if he was doing anything later on, my mind of course wanted a repeat of Friday and Saturday. So the evening came, and I had blitzed my flat in a much needed spring clean and laundry run. Dinner was quiet but then I had come to expect that of him, a man of few words but what words were informative and warming. Something was different this time. To my dismay now, I asked and pressed home that of all concerning questions “Do you want to talk over it? What’s wrong?”.
How I wish I hadn’t. That said, he may well have followed into the conversation anyway. He wasn’t ready for this kind of situation and needed time. Insistent that I was not to blame, I was still heartbroken. I could have handled it far better than I did. After an lengthy compassionate conversation, I asked politely for him to leave, holding back a sea of tears and bottom lip quivering.
It is now the evening of Thursday. After a couple of days of feeling a “bitter-sweet mellowdom” recalling both the passion and the falling, blonde ‘n’ blue was still talking to me. He certainly seems to want to be friends; however I do wonder how long it will be before, if ever, he returns to ask me if I want to take things further again. I will hold my breath, but I can’t wait long. My mind is set of securing a love again after so long without someone so honest and truly happy to be in my company. I’m so sure it’s him.