Playing my cards when the pillars are shaking.
In previous updates to something major such as Roller-coaster Made of Dreams, it’s been the odd slow bit of news happening here and there. These past several weeks however have been nothing short of fast paced, stressful, emotional and at the point of almost giving up and accepting fate? A knight in shining armour appears.
Blonde ‘n’ blue was a time bomb. It was a fool’s errand especially with my last thoughts as being so sure I could take things further. After what I thought would be a fantastic fireworks display of love and passion with a great night out, I chose the unwise path of looking to him – a fragile and innocent party – for desperate help and support when I fell into a small emotional break-down. This was entirely due to 3 deadlines set by different modules in my university degree all sitting within one week; needless to say I was not prepared for any of them. Too many sacrifices made in to making the radio a success. Within the space of an hour I had called and text him in despair but he turned very bitter in reaction – the last thing I needed at the time. To make matters worse I had pulled a mutual friend into this dilemma, only fuelling his anger towards me. I was for a couple of days, a lost soul. I wasn’t sure what to make of anything, other than to find solace in my games and my coursework assignments. I cannot help but feel I missed something there, some other road across a rift that I could have so easily made, had the right choices been acted upon rather than bringing my emotions onto the table so forcefully. Instead I burned that bridge down.
It took several weeks to get blonde ‘n’ blue to accept my apologies and respond to anything I had said to him. He gave very little in the way of feedback, emotion or even acceptance, preferring instead to continually check his tablet for incoming messages while I was next to grovelling for some kind of reparation. I have decided it best to leave this path firmly in a no-go zone for a long time. I do need blonde ‘n’ blue back from radio related activities, but what relationship will be left would be strictly professional. I made a terrible mistake, but I would like to think that I can get out of this one without permanent damage to both parties.
To my surprise, after about 2 weeks I had a string of unexpected, non-pursued guys, on the radar. A couple seeking coffee and conversation, right up through to long term possibilities. I was hopeful but one friend in-particular who I had kept apprised of the situation was calling out for me to reconsider – should more emotional stress be piled on. I completely understand where this masculine titan – who I have openly admitted to being attracted by his carved figure and forward personality – but in this case there was a 2 fold need for finding someone close, the biggest of which was in order to conquer this worry and fear over my course and the possible outcomes of my second year. I needed that 1 special person to just pour my heart and soul into. After what seemed like a brief conversation between 2 of the potential dates (separately of course), I found myself with dates in my calendar for meeting at my flat, dinner and cuddling up to watch a movie afterwards. These were great, and picked me up out of my acceptance for failure. I was happy, but only to a point as these dates required chasing. Endless chasing.
Every text, phone call if any was instigated by yours truly. A position I have loathed since having the ability to see that most of my social life was managed by chasing people I considered better friends than would later emerge. So as of this point, I have given up regularly asking them how their day at work or play has been, if they wanted to meet up again for dinner or another movie, and sure enough they haven’t attempted to contact me. Just as I was accepting that maybe I would just have to deal with this sort of person for a while the – switch on / switch off interested romantic, and as the threshold of deadlines appeared on the edge of the term, the Tiger appeared.
This guy is more than I could have hoped for, but at the same time, what with my being so used to being in control of dates, and past relationships finding I was the one making decisions, the Tiger is a driven pioneer. The best way to describe this man would be “gay, alpha male”. He’s up close and personal, cynical, tall and slim – taking me for quite a surprise as I was so used to the sub 5ft 6″ division. He towers over history’s encounters at 6ft 4″. So far after 2 date nights, spending the day with him studying in the university’s library and planning on a 3rd date with bowling and maybe more if things go well, I am once again swoon, but he is so much more. He has passion, drive, so much so that I find it difficult to keep up sometimes and find myself at a loss for words. At the time of writing this I wait for him to meet me in the library this evening for support whilst writing up coursework while he does for his chosen degree. This one is too good to let go – to see lost to the fate of uninterested. It would be tragedy.
My coursework looms over me – a tidal wave so high it pierces the clouds and swallows all in its wake, blocking out the sun and casting a bleak shadow over my future. There are only 3 weeks left till the end of term and 4 assignments and 1 test must be covered in that time. Can I achieve what I need, in both these avenues of my life?