Betrayal (written 16th December 2013)
I’m on my way home, at last. After 3 months of what I can only describe as shit; shovelled so thick and so fast it brought along its own gravitational pull, leaving those in its path helpless but to bear witness to the onslaught of emotional stress and damage.
In these past 3 months, I have watched a radio station go from strength to strength. I have watched helpless students go from scratching their heads at equations and database normalisations, to getting 1st’s in the related exams and coursework modules through my help in peer assisted learning sessions. I have produced some of the finest documentation and reports I’ve ever managed. In all of these achievements, there has been pure sacrifice. The time, the willpower to see these through has taken its toll. I am warn out, spent and weary from the workload. The highest cost of all, has been to my heart.
I’ve seen love, found love, and lost love in these 3 months, from the “would have and maybes” that ventured into my life, offering a short but unique moment together. I respect them, they were honest in their intentions, whether it was a coffee and dinner together, or a long weekend. They were glimmers of hope, but the briefest of moments. For someone like me, yearning for the long term commitments, they were seconds to a season. The Tiger was my hope that someone would finally be there for me – an equal in driven personality and passion.
Sadly and while I hate to say it, like so many of these occasions in my life of trying to gain affections from someone, it goes wrong. I had planned in my last week of being in university after all the coursework was handed in, to spend quality time with The Tiger. Go out for dinner, get some competitive bowling and pool games in, fall asleep in front of a movie at home, cuddled up to him. Sadly, The Tiger was very distant; words were few and far between other than the occasional good morning and good night. My instincts were driving me wild. Something was wrong, but I factored it on upon the tight deadlines, pressures that we had no control over. “Stay the course”, I thought to myself, “He’s fine”. This continued for longer than I had prepared myself for and so, I tried to find answers. I ended up asking him openly, why things were suddenly so quiet between us, why after nearly a month of fully engaged relationship building there was this sudden silence. I called and got no answer until late into the evening where a text messaged replied “I’ve been busy with friends and sorting things out. We can meet at 8 this evening?”. This was becoming too much to take on. My instinct demanded answers, my heat was kicking it back telling me all was well. So I took the logical route and went over to his house.
While The Tiger had suggested we meet up at 8, I arrived shortly after 7:30 – surely no problem, I can wait while he gets ready and make conversation with his house mates, who I had met and gotten along with at his birthday party. They knew something was wrong however – I could see it in their eyes. This look was of excuse making. I decided on waiting downstairs and not a moment went by when my phone rang – it was him. Now there is only one reason why someone would call inside their own house instead of coming downstairs to greet someone. You’re hiding something. I answered.
–Hey, you ok?
– Why are you here?
— Well we’re meeting at 8, sorry I’m a little early hope that’s ok.
– I’m not ready, can you come back at 8?
— Well I was hoping to talk to you – you’re worrying me, Tiger.
– Well I’m busy at the moment wrapping presents.
— (Laugh) I can come up and talk to you face to face?
– It’s not appropriate, ok?
— What do you mean, not appropriate? We’re dating!
– I mean it’s not appropriate.
— *pause*. You have someone up there with you, don’t you?
— Is it your ex?
– Yes. Look I will talk to you about this later on. Didn’t I say [him and his ex] were still friends?
— No, Tiger, you missed that bit out.
Like that, it was all but settled in my head, until I quietly left the house – the house-mates looking in in bewilderment. I looked up at his bedroom window to find The Tiger looking down at me… topless. There was a rage built up inside of me that made an already dark and stormy evening feel like a hurricane had rolled in over the city. I was fired with anger, bitterness and hate. He had betrayed me. All of the time and effort I had poured into this were blown down as if made from playing cards. Thankfully at this point a wise decision was made – go to a friend’s house and just chill out in company rather than building anger up inside. Still, I feel numbed, my mind is determined upon settling this injustice, this deliberate playing of my feelings.
I go home now to switch off and to look to something far more important – my family.