I just want to see acceptance.
I made a horrible mistake with Blonde ‘n’ Blue, panicking in the way I did, going to call him endlessly only to be snapped back at. Rightly so – I was stupid to do what I did. Even now, months later, regret what I did. I lost a friend who now barely even wants to talk to me unless I catch him at a radio show he produces. Is it so bad that I just want to set things right again? I have no desire to have any kind of close connection with him anymore, that ship has been well and truly sunk. I just want to be a good and understanding friend and hopefully get some kind similar feedback in return. Is it too much to ask for?
I have broken so many things in my life. Where I sit now is on a pile of broken dreams and while I appreciate there are lessons to be had from every mistake, I didn’t exactly want to be here. I wanted to be off in a dreamy place somewhere with the guy I met far away by now. I could have endured a relationship of secrecy with Blonde ‘n’ Blue, The Tiger, any one of them. Alas I watch as these idealisms of attraction shatter in my hands, leaving them unable to talk to me or avoid me as much as possible. I just want to talk to them instead of having this hanging over me like some thick dark storm cloud. Clarity is all I ask for.
What I have appreciated in recent weeks is a bond found in a first year. “Dyna” has always had a good friendship with me. This has seen us through a few situations, where either he needed help with his coursework, or just wanted to get something off his chest. I respect him because of his background, how we have endured through some pretty nasty situations. That’s not to compare as if our lives were trump cards. Everyone has their own ways of dealing with problems and their limits to which they get through the problem of the time. Dyna has been through more than I want to divulge here. Where we find solace in each other is just through listening and simply understanding each other’s lives. This weekend brought a marked moment in that understanding; we both know and appreciate how we can support each other in our lives. In time, I would consider him a brother. He is also one of the very few people who have actually invited me out for drinks, without it being a birthday occasion or the like. With the sheer amount of chasing I do with my social life, it’s akin to finding the brightest star on the stormiest night.
Speaking of brothers, I fear I may never speak to my kin again. Since giving him a dressing down for his speeding on motorways and roads, he has yet to talk to me and this has been the case since August. I received a Christmas card and a voucher from him, after which I found he had blocked me on social networks. He now intends to leave the country heading for Tenerife. I’m concerned that I may never see or speak to him again, leaving me with only 1 direct family member, my dear mother. Is it right that I put Dyna into a subconscious role of surrogate brother? Maybe I just need to know there’s someone in my life, beyond romance and love… that trusts in me, understands me, and knows instinctively we’ll be there for each other. Whilst I was in his flat over the weekend we spent a short amount of time building a PC having a look at a few new components that had arrived in the post, and that he was now able to combine together. In the middle of the floor while I can a gander through some emails on my phone he was concerned that a particular card wasn’t aligned straight. I got down on the floor and had a closer look as well. While seeing what could be adjusted I felt that connection of loyalty and respect. I could have embraced him right there and then.
It’s the moment between Will Hunting Sean Maguire, where he finally finds someone to pour his heart out to after years of building walls and blocking emotion. It damages everyone, holding on to hurt for so long without a chance to fix it.