Success is only measurable by its cost.
A lot happens in 6 weeks. On a kick off I’m only now 1 month away from completing my second year at University. There’s much work to be done in this time, what’s certain is there’s too much coursework and too little exam revision. An inevitably bad mix that I don’t think my cohorts have fully realised.
I have at least freed up my time, however. The radio station is no longer mine to manage or repair, these battens having been passed on to my successors. It’s hard to let go of such a thing, seeing the rapid growth and development in 6 months, the feedback and it would appear the possibility of awards on the horizon. But for the current moment I have little time to reminisce on the highs and lows of radio station leadership. I have 3 coursework assignments and 5 exams to clear. If I get a higher second this year it’ll be nothing short of miracle work.
You would think at this time social life would have taken a heavy drop, that dates and anything further than that would have been the stuff of dreams. You would think so but it’s quite the opposite in fact. It has now got to the point where since September I’ve met and dated more guys, than I have ever dated guys and girls since I started dating in school. It’s crazy, but I’ve enjoyed it. A confidence has built in me that wasn’t there before, where I feel I can could take a guy out and bring him back to my flat with little or no hassle. This success has run so far in fact that 2 of these dates and subsequent late morning sleep-ins were with supposedly straight young men. One in particular, after a busy night running a live radio event, proceeded to buy me drinks, then escorted me to *my* flat. Another highlight has been that of reaching a pinnacle in the gay student world – he may not accept he is personally, but in my eyes there is no one higher on the property ladder. It has given me reassurance that the hard work of weight loss (where in fact I’m now gaining weight in muscle and still burning off what fat is left), and the confidence I’ve gained through this year has been worth it. If he’s willing to be interested in me, surely that shows this fitness regime, this dating game I’ve been playing has been worth it?
It’s not been without cost however. One guy in particular I have a very high respect for, is also close friends with this top-level interest, and one could easily argue, more than just friends. When he found out that, yes, things had been happening dates had been declared, he wasn’t exactly happy. I’ve apologised to him for, in essence stepping on feet but I’m not sure I even should be. This guy has had more than enough opportunity to date and have a relationship, and appears to run a reputation of varying degrees of being needy – a feeling I can certainly sympathise with – but not putting effort into the making of a relationship. You rarely, if ever, get one without the other.
All in all these last 2 months have given me time to reflect on everything that’s been since September. From crawling up the social ladder, to rocking the Student Union boat well and truly. In one respect I wonder if I could have done more. In another respect I look back and see all the damage I’ve caused, the reputations I’ve embedded into people’s minds. Chaotic Good? By all accounts on Dungeons and Dragons’ scale I am certainly not Justice of the Peace, nor am I simply out to destroy or gain for myself and my personal desires. I have this unique mix of helping my friends and that which I hold closest to me, but making large scale efforts in making sure people that get in my way or seek to make a fool out of me, I strike down with my own flavour of vengeance. I’ve had it argued – let it go, there’s no point, just get on with life. The fault with dispensing apathy is it gets you nowhere and does nothing to resolve the problems. So with these award nominations like “Best Course Representative”, “Societies Person of the Year”, “Leadership Award”. If I don’t win them it’s at a cost of my strong minded opinions, and openly vocal anger. If I do, if after all of this I still get even one of these awards, it’s because people have seen why I have done these acts and rocked boats, and understand that it was for a greater good.
I will find out in a couple of weeks. 3 black tie events, 2 of which are award ceremonies, and an end of year ball. Finger’s firmly crossed.
~ by minotaur41 on 2014/04/17.