My heart is a mess.
It’s been 3 and a half long years since those fateful Spring/Summer meets with the Lost Scot. This past week was his birthday so try as I might, I send out the messages wishing him well and hoping he makes the most of this next year. Alas, with the exception of the 2 phone calls I had with him in Vengeance, Patience and Hope, all has gone very quiet.
Why can I not let go of him? I know why; logically because I want to fix what was broken, emotionally because I knew what I had found in him.
My only solace is in the mutual friend I keep in touch with who keeps me loosely updated. Even then, without hearing the warn thin patience in his voice, I can tell there’s only so much he’s willing to take from me on matters now discussed many times over. The friend is supportive, but even he has suggested letting go more than once. More recently, however, there is a motion of trying to fix this ongoing longing. Plans to meet in a neutral location, talk it over and move on, either onto separate paths or to at least share some level of communication.
I only wish to help him see the potential in his life and all the while the mutual friend tells me of how the Lost Scot is spiralling down a hole of online gaming, late nights, later mornings (if they’re ever seen) and not a single hope of career path, skill set utilisation or the like. I wish he could see how clever he was. I saw it in him long ago – a fun, intelligent guy who could talk about anything with a sense of reassurance in his voice. I hate seeing wasted time in my friend’s lives, and those I hold closer still.
I have to do something about this and soon. I cannot keep living my life on this longing. Almost crying myself to sleep at night, desperately recalling those precious moments and staring into photos of weekends I cannot forget.