Is the word “hate” too strong?
Well that was short lived. Maybe I even jinxed myself comparing The Affectionist to my father. While there was something of a mutual relationship between towards the end of his life, my father made sure I knew punishment was swift, and I was to be put down at almost every opportunity, much like he was by my grandfather. So it was with The Affectionist, but to a degree of immaturity and engrained anger instead of reasoning. Not a week after spending the day with each other, in came the texts, thick and fast about how he didn’t want this, needing to spend time alone and preferring the solitude over a relationship. I had noticed at this point he had made the acquaintance of a younger lad on Facebook, and while instinct was twitching, I once again, ignored it. “I should be enough for him…everything’s going to be fine” blah blah blah… the inner voice is sometimes betrayal to itself. So it was, after decided that, no I won’t be hitching along with the “let’s just be friends” routine, and asking for the money he owed me (and the MiFi dongle I had let him use), I would find myself heartbroken and somewhat let down. Piling layers of pain on only came in greater succession when the photos came through on the various social networks of The Affectionist and his rebound attraction not 2 weeks later. I ask myself if there was likely any attraction these in the first place. Was I just a foothold for someone clearly more attractive and agile? I suppose the answer will lie in how long they’re together. I suppose for point of reference and my own sanity, I’ll keep track of what happens.
This is the third time this has happened to me now. When I was straight, my longest relationship was brought to an abrupt close even after pouring in additional hours and making every effort to improve how she felt about the relationship and prospects. Even then, she met someone all too conveniently close to the end, married a couple of years later and now has 2 children. My run in early last year with a man seemingly without morals (intertwined with his ex-fiancé in bed, the night we were to go out for dinner). Now this – a young guy who I hoped would be the answer to my ongoing dismay and loneliness. Do I attract this sort? Furthermore, do I attract them, then find my gullible self being dragged around by my feelings? All the while a friendship that’s built up since my first placement in Bristol has grown and developed, possibly more so than I’ve realised; I find myself pulled in another direction all over again. All I want is someone to cuddle into on those lonely nights, to wake up to in the morning and feel loved by. To share my life and ideologies with and if I can, help them along in any way I can. Is it too much to ask? Am I to find myself at 50…55, like my father, destined to a late family unit or no likelihood of children at all? I’m 30 now, my peers are marrying or with children, some of them in droves. This boat is well and truly leaving port, and I haven’t even booked cabin tickets, let alone pack a bag.
On a slightly brighter, but as-emotional side, 2 weeks are left between one contract and the next, and the migration from IT-valley back to the south-west and the boarders of what can be defined as “connected civilisation”, with a university bolted on the side. Triggered from the above and emotional heart-strings being all over the place, I needed to instil some sense of happiness and gratitude in my life, no matter where that was. So a sizable sum of money later and plan hatched I took delivery of my work colleague’s thank-you presents over the past week. As the department is split north-south, each office got its own gift. For the south, coffee-game is pretty weak. The machine at work has seen more than ample a service-mileage, and doesn’t exactly create the nicest of brews. I bought them a starter kit, of sorts, to allow for some good coffee making and a whole set of syrups, either to share with all, or to use within the department. Not for everyone, sure, but thoughtful enough. For the north, extras and goodies in office are abound, but lacking is a good lunch trip as a team, or with a supplier (commonplace in the south). For them I bought an open gift certificate to a fancy-to-do restaurant, highly rated in the area. Enough should the maths work out, at roughly 2 lunches for 5 people. Too much? I don’t think so. I’m humbled by what the company had offered and provided for me, it’s only right I return the gesture to those I have worked closest to.
Something inside of me feels broken, and can’t help but feel it’s too far gone to repair.