2015 – a year in review
I get the feeling each day that goes by, that this year at University will be the most defining for me, regardless of academic achievement, friends, memories of dragging myself up and down hills utterly intoxicated at 4 in the morning. I hypothesise; it will most likely result in someone with more regrets, more understanding of the world around them, humbled by experiences, mourning losses then inescapable.
2015 has been consequential. It has defined completely where my life choices will take me in 2016. Fate it seems, especially for the following year, will be defined; all but academically at least. My year in review, such as it’s been.
Marathon preparation was the theme of the New Year. Running and cycling though the week to and from work, and on the weekends through the scenic valleys and hills that the Home Counties provide in great quantity. I tried very hard to attain some form of recognition through my second half of placement; working late in the evening, and thinking of ways to improve the business around what I observed in my own, and other people’s work habits. It has, for the most part, worked. Though I’m not sure the social side my company demands has been all that cohesive. Did I try hard enough? Is that even an argument to make at 29? One thing I am seeing more and more of is the statement, “You’re overthinking it”. Maybe that is the case here, too. Since the marathon, as detailed in Touching the Stars, I’ve tried to maintain some level of fitness. Long distance biking, running, even swimming a couple of times. Sadly and inevitably with the workload demanded of me at University, the fitness regime has gone out of the windows of late. While the diet remains healthy, I’m hoping that I can kick this back in for the second semester, and have a channel for stress and frustrations. That experience was something I hope to repeat again one day – pencilled heavily on 2017. Next year of course has challenges of a very different sort, driving half way across the world, and flying the rest.
One thing I now find… puzzling about anything romantic pre-September, is how utterly fickle people of a certain area can be. Literally the smallest misplacement of opinion or an imaginary like/dislike list that doesn’t result in a 99.9% match results in complete disbandment of even meeting over a cup of coffee. Yet, 150 miles south-west, I cannot move for guys. Now, finally, it would appear I’ve made a catch worth keeping. In 4 years young I described “Bambi” and his growing confidence. Early predications seemed correct, and he grows more confident about himself every day. I like him for his whit, his unbridled ability to recall quotations and I dare say, entire scripts. His ever polite and caring persona. While all of this paints something quite rosy, above all I have to control myself. I have seen 2 relationships like this before, where I am very much the one driving and carrying a less-confident, shy partner along for the journey. Both have ended in either disaster or abruptly, due by and large to my terrible snapping, determination to reach a goal. My father’s legacy, something that I must gain control of before I lose any more people to it.
These later months have found a high demand for social ability and a work-University balance that has become very pressured, but manageable. I’m really grateful for the amazing offer giving to me by the company, both in continued employment, and opportunities post-graduation. What does continue to hamper performance however, is the company’s communication weaknesses. It seems to be something they get right only sometimes. Case and point, a recent review video I was asked to take part in by my manager. Great, as far as I was concerned, from historical attempts in launching a video online from my department, it was due time we had another try. I spent a weekend preparing a script, watching and reading through other reviews for key points to detail, and making unique points based on use cases for customers – that is, who would benefit most from this particular device. Monday quickly followed, as did a few hasty phone calls to those managing the video shoot, to ensure it was still on, and I was to make an early departure from home to reach the technology park we were to film in. Alas, miscommunication was the theme of the day once again. Somehow, between my manager and the product specialists, Marketing and myself, someone missed the key point that someone had already been penned for the role of reviewer. I really wish there was a better way of getting this sort of communication breakdown eradicated. As rare a-happening as it is, it’s still troublesome when it does happen.
University will be a thick-set and heartless animal until February; this semester has been case and point for that so far with in class tests all round, deadline after deadline. I considered myself used to this heavy set workload for the final year, but honestly I don’t think anyone prepared themselves for the semester shake up being experienced. I made one of my biggest mistakes this year – in derailing my friendship with The Cornishman. Misinterpretation of agreements on my part, plus a lot of held-back opinion and blunt fact on his side did for me what the Usual Suspects’’ Keyser Söze did for Agent Kujan – startling realisation. In my case, of how I interpret life’s goals and the battle I fight to get there. All it seems, the wrong way. I’ve got the distinct impression this is how my father was feeling from time to time. Deep regret for things he simply had to accept.
I hope I can turn things around come the New Year but honestly, part of me is looking toward the brief time I have left at University, wondering if it’s actually worth it. I feel desperately empty inside, realising a lot of the rougher events in my life it seems I’ve brought upon myself.